How you communicate your anger

When it comes to the workplace, anger is everywhere, every day. Someone working harder than their co-worker can cause anger, a disrespectful client can cause anger, not getting a promotion can cause anger. You get the point. Anger is not bad for the workplace, nor is it bad in general. That said, it can be used generatively or it can be used destructively. For the record, not using or feeling your anger at all is also very, very destructive. Psst: no human on the planet doesn’t feel anger, they just stuff it, and it comes out sideways in some way or another.

Which of the four ways below do most frequently you relate to anger?

Aggressive

Expressing that only their needs, wants, and feelings matter. The other person is bullied and needs are ignored. Bulldozing. “Mean.”

• Inappropriately honest

• Poor emotional regulation, easily frustrated

• Unwilling to compromise or own their part

• Speak in loud, hostile way

• Use of criticism, humiliation, domination

• Frequently interrupts and doesn’t listen

• Disrespectful towards others

• “Violent” and scares audience

Passive Aggressive

A.k.a “anger in a tuxedo”. Will express anger by snubbing, witholding, banging pots, making “jokes”. Covertly mean.

• Emotionally repressed and dishonest

• Unclear, indirect, ineffective communication

• Causes “fight/flight” in recipient, perhaps even the whole room, but leaves most confused and unclear what the other person wants

• Nobody wins, everbody loses

Passive

Prioritizes the needs, wants, feelings of everyone else and at their own expense. Often these people are taken advantage of even by well intentioned people who simply don’t know this persons needs/wants. Too “nice”.

• Emotionally repressed and dishonest

• Soft-spoken, quiet, self-denying

• Lacks confidence

• Doesn’t know needs, prioritizes others’ needs over their own

• Self-denying, self-blaming, apologetic

• Can lead to explosions of anger

Assertive

Emphasizes the importance of both people’s needs. Person stands up for their own needs/wants/feelings, yet listens to others’. Confident and respectful. “Firm”.

• Appropriately honest and firm, mature

• Empathic and respectful to all involved

• Deeply connected to own emotional state and that of the other

• Clearly states wants, listens actively without interruption, compromising

• Non-violent communication

• “I” statements, good boundaries